We’ve recently finished our half-yearly exams at my school, and to nobody’s surprise the worst mark I’ve gotten back so far was maths – 60%. Which is not the worst I’ve ever done where maths is concerned (think bottom of the grade at 45%), but is still pretty saddening. At a school like mine where everybody is fiercely intelligent (selective school) there’s a lot of pressure to be the best at something, if not everything, and not being good at something is almost frowned upon. I don’t think anybody means things to end up that way, but with the culmination of criticism and encouragement from teachers and parents that have high expectations and peers that put themselves down when they get less than 80%, the level of competition is incredibly, incredibly high. At any other school I’m pretty confident that a 60% mark wouldn’t be too terrible, but at mine? My friends talk about how their parents will kill them because they were expected to get 90% and they got 85%, and when I butt in retorting that I’m down where I always am, at 60? Everybody falls silent and there are countless pitying looks and thank-god-I’m-not-her “oh”s. Of course this just makes me feel worse. It’s incredibly frustrating.
This happens after each and every maths test, and as such I think I feel worse and worse about myself whenever we have a new one to do. I’m constantly pessimistic about my performance and I’m pretty confident I’ll never get above 70%. I know this isn’t good for me and because I’m telling myself I’ll fail I do fail, so I try hard to stay positive about maths but it’s a constant struggle.
This half-yearly maths mark was a particularly hard thing for me to hear, because I feel like I did a really good job in the test. I was relaxed going in, I tried all the questions, I showed my working (which has been my failing in the past), and afterwards I bragged to everybody about how I’d done the very best that I could have done. And I had. I did my very best, and I was so set on that mark being at least above 61%, which is the highest maths mark I’ve gotten in a couple of years. I don’t think 62% was too much to ask of myself. But I couldn’t do it.
Our wonderful principal has a pep talk that he knows almost off by heart about how nobody can ask you to do more than your best, and how it’s so important to remember that during exam time. But when 60% is my very best, what do I do when my parents and my peers think I should be doing better? When my teacher tells me that I CAN do better than this? When my low mark is so frowned upon by everyone around me that I curl up in bed the night I get it back and cry my eyes out? What do I do then?
I don’t think I’m bad at maths, per se, maybe that the way they teach it in school (theory, questions, repeat) doesn’t work in my brain. Maybe it’s because they don’t have enough real-life applications in school and it’s all just continuous numbers and rules on a paper that mean nothing to me. I don’t know. I do know that I’m more interested in a single 5-minute Vihart video than a whole week of maths classes.
I think my point is that when people think they’re bad at something, it may not necessarily be their fault, but the fault of the bigger picture. Is it entirely my fault that I feel negative about numbers, or is it a result of the many layers of who I am? It’s a result of how I’ve been brought up, what my parents are good at, the maths curriculum, the people I associate with, the marks I get. It’s my fault to a certain extent, but not completely. And yet it remains my problem, and one I have no idea how to go about fixing.
I guess the first step in fixing it is accepting that you can’t be good at everything, and that there is a loser of every race. I can’t see numbers being relevant in my future (which seems to be heading in a very word-based direction), and maybe accepting that and placing less emphasis and care on maths is important. I should be focusing on the things I know I am good at. Or maybe I should be caring more and working harder? Somehow I don’t think so.
If anybody’s in the same situation as me, I’d love to hear about it in the comments. I seem to have lost the ability to listen to my own advice, but surely you can: stop wasting your time on being stressed and sad. There are more important things in life than the square root of failure.
xx
Za.
Tags: 60%, competition, exams, intelligent, maths, peers
You are way ahead of most kids in so many other areas, some of which can’t even be taught at school. Sixty percent schmixty percent. Love you just the same.
Love you too, Wing.
Hey Za,
I know EXACTLY what you’re going through. I went through the same thing a couple of years ago, and when I read this it was like past me just wrote a new blogpost.
The first thing to know, is that if you tried your best, you tried your best. A mark is just a number and a grade is just a relative, but the feeling that you get is what counts. If you believe you’ve tried your best, and you were relaxed and positive, that’s better than any mark you can get. Doing your best is by your own standard, not by what other people say or think. When other people look at you pityingly because you did ‘badly’, don’t feel down. You didn’t do badly — they did. They gave up their lives for good marks. And if that’s all they care about, you shouldn’t envy them.
Also, about Maths having no real life relevance, that’s the exact reason why you can drop it. If you feel your life heading in a more wordly direction, then follow that path. Maths is only relevant in high school. Don’t spend your life stressing about it.
You said that it’s not your fault, but the bigger pictures fault, and yet you have to deal with it. You don’t have to. Yes, it’s probably not your fault you and maths aren’t compatible, and for that reason you don’t have to hate yourself for doing badly. Hell, if I like my 39% marks (LOL) get me down, who knows where I’d be today. It’s about your attitude. After half a year, that mark doesn’t even matter anymore. So you should embrace who you are, not wish you were someone else who’s better at math.
Yes, you can’t win at everything. Yes, there is a loser to every race. But the most important thing to remember is that you get the choice, the choice of which race to run. If it’s not a race you care about, why should you care so much about not winning?
And you don’t have to not be sad. Thing’s like that can get you down. Coming back from that, that’s what matters.
Remember to always smile.
And yes, this advice may sound weird coz my english aint all that great, but I hope it helps you ^^
Thank you so much, your comment means so much to me! You’re an inspiration.
Wow. What a post.
Funnily enough, I feel exactly the same way about basically all of that (our principal has the same sort of Pep Talk: only ever heard it once though) and have the same sort of friends (one of my best friends got 100% in a test where I got 51%. Go figure).
Put simply, maths is tough. You just have to go through with it and try your best.
And, if you don’t feel happy about it, think about it this way: you’re better than almost all of the state anyway. And your good enough to get where you are. And that’s what counts.
(And now I feel like I’ve quoted too many optimistic one-liners).
Anyway, good luck in the future with all of that!